So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
