nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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