Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
