My sheets look like a crime scene.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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