I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
