is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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