she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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