He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
