I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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