I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
