my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
