why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
