I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
