I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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