I think my vagina is haunted
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
