Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
