So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Houston, we have a squirter
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Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
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To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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