ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
