nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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