your thong is hanging out like whoa
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
