Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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