even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
