I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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