I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
