he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
