I hate all girls vehemently.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
