you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
