I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize