my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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