she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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