did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just invented taco cereal.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
