Got a toothbrush?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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