My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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