Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
