New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
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The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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