I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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