i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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