Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
