new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
NoShamevember. You game?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
