I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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