my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
