she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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