It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
