we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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