if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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