I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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