i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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