so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
