woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She bit a glass in half.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
