I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I checked into jail on foursquare
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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