Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
