ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
