just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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