I just threw up on my dentist
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
