I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
